Letting Reagan Go

Letting go of Reagan was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. When the nurse brought her in for the last time I just held her and cried. I cried for this baby I never got a chance to know, I cried for myself, and I cried because I just did not understand why she had to be taken from me so soon. When Brian called the nurse to come get her I just could not let her go. I think she asked me several times if I wanted her to come back. Every time I would reach out to give Reagan to her I just pulled her back because I could not bear giving her up for the very last time. But, I knew it would not get any easier if I even if I had her for hours. So finally around 10:30 on Thursday, October 29, 2009, I gave my baby up for the very last time.

A few months ago I stumbled upon a baby page a fellow member of babyfit.com who is due again in December of this year after loosing her little girl at 38 weeks due to a cord injury. I could not imagine this mother’s pain. I never thought that I would now be feeling that same pain. Reality is starting to sink in and the feeling of loss is tremendous. Although, I know the pain will ease as time goes on, right now I cannot see how that can happen. How long does it take this emptiness to fade? All I want is to hold my little girl.

Going Home

Today I have to leave my baby. I never imagined that this would be this hard. I am ready to go home and get out of the hospital but it has been comforting knowing Reagan is right next door. I can only cry as I think the funeral home taking away my little girl. Last week at this time we were planning a baby shower. Now I have to plan a funeral. All our joy has turned to sorrow. All I can think of is how unfair life is right not. I thought that having the miscarriage last December was one of the hardest things I had to go through. It is nothing compared to this. Reagan was a baby. She could have survived outside of the womb. I think that I will be asking why for a very long time.

It is amazing the love you can have for a child you never knew. I thought it would be hard to love another child as much as I love my son but it is not. My heat is bursting with love for my beautiful little girl. She will forever be my beautiful angel.

We have received so many thoughtful words and prayers. It is amazing how much people care. We were planning on having our little girl cremated and taking her home with us. We really did not feel the need for a service at first. But then my school stepped in and said they wanted to take care of the services for us. Wow was all I could say. Now I realize that although I did not want to share my daughter with anyone it is the right thing to do. By having a memorial service, I am allowing others to grieve with me and to share in my loss. It has shown me that I am not alone. We are still going to take our little girl home with us. A mausoleum was offered but I want Reagan with me at home. I do not want to forget her. People have told me that this would not happen but I have to do what is in my heart. Maybe sometime in the future it may be something to consider but not right now.

The Next Day

Yesterday was a very emotional day for us. I think that we are still in shock and imagine that the emotional pain will get worse. It just does not seem real at this point. We got to see and hold Reagan several times yesterday and both her Nanny (Brian’s mom) and Grandma (my mom) got to hold her as well. We thought that the funeral home would have to come get her today but my nurse told me that she could stay with me until I leave. I will probably stay one more day due to the physical pain that I am still in. My Dr. told me that I could go home today but I just cannot imagine having to get out of the bed without the help of rails.
Reagan is such a beautiful baby. She was perfect. Ten little fingers and ten little toes. She looks just like her big brother Alec. It is amazing the resemblance. The hospital has been wonderful. When she was born they put her in a little dress and took all her pictures. There is a company that comes in and does it so we have not seen them yet. They will be wonderful to have because all I was able to get was a few using my phone. She also got a special little hand knitted hat and blanket donated to us.

What Happened

Last night our baby was born into heaven. On Tuesday at 12:55 am, Reagan Mae was born at 27 weeks and 1 day still. Here is her story. Over the weekend I had not felt much movement. At the time I was not worried because I was able to easily able to find her heartbeat with the Doppler. But, by Monday afternoon I was a little worried with the lack of movement. I called the Dr on my way home from work and they advised me to go to labor and delivery. I was a little surprised at this because I informed the nurse that I had found the HB the day before. I went home with my son to wait for Brian and checked the HB as soon as I got there. This time I could not find one. I quickly dropped my son off and my MIL’s and headed straight for the hospital. My husband met me there and we went to L & D. The nurses also could not find a HB so they put me on ultra sound machine. We learned at about 6:30 that Reagan had died. I was put in a delivery room until we decided how to deliver. Having a previous CS we were leaning toward another one. There were risks involved in both and the DR felt there was not a right or wrong way. Emotionally, we felt the CS would be a better choice. Reagan Mae was born at 1 lb 6 oz and was 11 inches long. She had strangled on the cord. It was wrapped around her several times and the DR told us that it was one of the tightest she had ever seen. After the delivery she was dressed in a beautiful dress from the hospital and had her pictures and foot prints done. The nurse brought Reagan to me a short time later and we were able to hold her for several hours. She is allowed to stay with us but emotionally it is very hard so before we fell asleep we gave her to the nurses to put in the room next to us. We are allowed to see her and visit with her as much as we want to until we leave the hospital and the funeral home will come and get her at that point. She will be cremated but we have not made any decisions about a memorial service yet.